The 12 Pains of Christmas


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If you, like me, enjoy the Christmas season but can also appreciate it’s subtle (and not so subtle) ironies then this Christmas carol is for you. Originally written by Bob Rivers for his Twisted Christmas CD, this song takes very liberal tilts at such great Christmas traditions as finding a tree, decking the halls, over imbibing and send out the ever popular Christmas cards.

The words to this song are priceless, so, join me after a long hard day of doing battle with all those pinheads at your local shopping mall, quaff a tankard of mulled wine or rum and egg nog and enjoy this twisted take on the joy that is preparing for Christmas.

For an audio visual accompaniment go here and click on “Watch This Movie”.

Chorus ():

The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Husband (2):
Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Inebriated man (3):
Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4):
Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6):
Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Angry man (7):
The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I’m trying to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8):
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
And what do you mean, “your in-laws”?!?
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What we have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9):
No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the heck are they blinking?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
other (10):
“Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11):
Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She’s a witch! I hate her!
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who’s got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
A few guys:
Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: “Batteries not included”,
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make ’em dinner!
C: Five months of bills,
4: I’m not sending them this year, that’s it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you’re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

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